Given the inaction figures who are currently running for President of the United States, two geriatrics who seem to have none of our best interests in mind, my thoughts went to the old toy box and to the heroes of my youth. Who would be better to run the country than the choices we’re currently being given?
Anyone? Yes, pretty much anyone. But I’m sure there are way better choices! So I plunged into my collection and drew out five action figures representing characters who I would personally vouch for as presidential candidates. We start with a principled leader who we already know stands for many things…
Johnny Fiama
Can we have a Muppet as president? If we can’t, then what were the past eight years? (Thank you! Thank you, I’ll be here all week!) Johnny Fiama is the correct choice of all the Muppets to serve as our Commander-in-Chief. He already has a choice for VP in his chimp sidekick Sal Minella, and his deep faith in fashion, Italo-Catholic virtues, and Tony Bennett means that we’d have a President with convictions beyond power. Honestly we could pay him in album promotions and old cans of Riga-Tony Bennett, thus saving the American taxpayers over a million dollars per year.
The figure itself comes from Palisades Toys superlative Muppets line, produced for the seventh series in 2004. Aside from being made of hard plastic it’s difficult to see the difference between the Muppet characters and their figure counterparts, a testament to just how good these figures were. Nothing gold can stay, and Palisades went bankrupt in 2006 with many of their planned Muppets going unproduced at scale. They were the sort of madmen I need making toys, because there were three different versions of Johnny released at retail. Maybe only the Super7 Reaction figures went as deep on the benches for their licensed figures.
Slitheen
At least we know that they’re going to start World War III for an entirely selfish reason. When it finally happens to us we won’t even be part of a get-rich-quick scheme.
Character Designs’ Doctor Who figures are fantastic, even if they’re in scale with nothing but themselves. Credit to a company that went into the archives to mine sixty years of Who stories, as well as one that once sold a literal blister pack filled with nothing to represent a dead villain. Destroyed Cassandra, we hardly knew ye.
Delenn of Minbar
Or really any member of Babylon 5 crew or even the actors who played them. I’m well aware that the late Jerry Doyle had politics that were just to the right of Atilla the Hun, but at least he was practical about them and he genuinely seemed to care about people. (Don’t go looking up his views about capital punishment, as they’re brutal.) This selection is mostly a reason for me to point out that it’s a damn shame that we’ve already lost so many members of the cast of Babylon 5 and to remind everyone that it was a phenomenal TV show. JMS really knew how to write political speeches and rousing moments into his space opera.
Meanwhile…look, I wasn’t going to complain that we were getting actual merch for Babylon 5 while it was still on the air. That Micro Machine of the station lived on my desk for years. But Previews did a job I can only describe as slipshod on these figures. Delenn here is fine, Sheridan was okay, but look what they did to everyone’s favorite stuntwoman! Patty Tallman deserves so much better than this!
Ric Flair
Honestly I would petition to replace the singing of the National Anthem before every game with just one solid Warning Flair. Gimme a solid Nature Boy “Wooooo!” and I’m ready to begin any difficult task:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0t6llGkBLo
I am aware that Ric Flair has endorsed only the absolutely most dogshit presidential candidates of our lifetime, including Ted Cruz, a man who the very thought of makes me want sixteen more years of Trump. I know that Flair didn’t run for Governor of North Carolina because he had an insane amount of speeding tickets on his record. I am positively chagrined that he forgot to file paperwork to run in 2016 because I am dead sure his candidacy with VP Waka Flocka Flame would have acted as spoiler. But if being in the WWE Hall of Fame is apparently a GOP qualification to run for highest office, who else are we gonna pick? Mick Foley?
Oh, right. This pick should have been Mick Foley. Foley 2024: For All Mankind!
Zaphod Beeblebrox
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was designed to shift and change with each adaptation to a different medium, and by the time we got a full movie version we were deep in the throes of the W. Administration. Zaphod Beeblebrox underwent a timely reinvention from punk-rock Labour of the 70s to hapless Republican stooge; the only reason this change works is because it’s Sam Rockwell behind it. There is no nostalgia for the Mid-2000s here, as we made every bad decision back then and the 2005 Hitchhiker’s is fully enjoyable but the obvious least of any of the versions. But two heads are better than one so I will back the man who collapsed the Alterian Dollar and who can’t see any farther than his peril-sensitive glasses will allow over any given Earth-bound offering.
NECA honestly knocked it out of the park with this figure. The Hitchhiker’s line inexplicably shipped in 3″ and 7″ variations, and we got two different Vogons and a load of Marvins rather than Ford, Trillian, the mice, Deep Thought, Slartibartfast, or really any other character other than two separate Vogon molds. But those figures that did get made are of stunning quality. They really did it up for another franchise that was probably not going to sell that many figures.
…Two different Vogons? C’mon.